October 2014 – The Anxious Traveler

On a flight home, have you ever sat near a couple of people who clearly went on a trip together, and had a major falling out? They might be arguing about what they didn’t get to see or do on their vacation, or who was to blame for cheaping out and choosing the Pickpocket Express bus to the Colosseum instead of taking a taxi. You might get to hear every painful detail about who left whom sitting outside the Acropolis after dark, or how good-for-nothing Travel Partner A having a little too much to drink resulted in Mr./Ms. Perfect Travel Partner B having half their luggage stolen. Have you ever tried to watch an in-flight movie while these people are going at it? It’s usually impossible — and depressing, especially after one of them swears the other one off, grabs their travel pillow, and marches back to that empty seat right next to the lavatory. Thud. That’s the sound of Travelocity’s little Roaming Gnome falling to his knees over a fatally failed travelationship.

Since many people are wrapping up their vacations for the summer, and about half of us aren’t traveling with a spouse or on our own, but with 1) a good friend, 2) a significant other, or 3) a relative, now might be a great time to look at how to have a heart-to-heart with your touring mate. There’s no doubt that travel can be a stressful and emotional experience and can strain even the most solid relationship. Furthermore, you can be surprised, overwhelmed, and disappointed by what you learn about your companion in a different setting, and while doing different things — and your disappointment and frustration can come to the surface when the challenges of travel start to wear you down.

While all trips must come to an end at some point, the last thing you usually want is for your relationship to end with it. Think about how challenging it is to find someone who has the time, resources, and interest to go where you want to go, and it becomes clear that even though you might have had a major negative “episode” with someone on a trip, you should put aside your frustration (and your jet lag) to get to the root of the issues. Here are some specific things you might talk to your companion about.

When you worried about each other. Many of us may sound angry and accusatory when really we were fearful about our companion’s safety. Did your travel partner not come home until 6 am a night or two in Stockholm? Did you freak them out by going to the apartment of someone you just met in Copenhagen? The last thing you want to say (or hear) is, Don’t ever do that again! No one wants to feel like they’re on vacation with their mother. You might try saying, we were alone together in a foreign country, and I couldn’t reach you. Could you send me a text message the next time so I know you’re okay? Still think they’ll feel micromanaged? Next time, ask the person they’re partying with to text you. Chances are they’ll do it — if only so you won’t spoil their fun by trying to track them down.

Close calls. There may be scenarios that you replay in your mind because they almost led to a major problem, such as nearly getting separated from your companion while boarding a flight, or being followed by someone until the two of you reached your hotel. You should talk about what led up to these events, and recognize that there’s usually no one to blame; one or both of you was simply distracted. In fact, most travel “mistakes” can be attributed to distractions. What could the two of you done differently to avoid getting distracted?

Who was more comfortable doing what — and who didn’t do much of anything to help. A frequent battle between travel partners revolves around who feels like they’re doing all the “dirty” work on the trip — watching bags, checking out, dealing with obnoxious bellhops, etc. If you’re the one who feels like you did all the grunt work throughout the trip, you should understand that your partner probably didn’t even notice. They may have been so preoccupied just making sure they had all their things, and that their pants weren’t tucked into their socks, etc. that they didn’t even notice your efforts, or your growing resentment. If your companion is generally considerate, don’t think they’ve turned into a travel snob who just wants you to wait on them. They probably just got overwhelmed. If you have a partner who suffers from some social anxiety, ask them next time if they can start packing your things while you straighten out the minibar bill with the cranky manager downstairs. You’ll make it clear that there’s work to be done on both sides, while not getting them upset by asking them to do something they definitely won’t want to do.

Major differences in energy levels. Even if you’ve known your travel partner for years and understand whether they are a morning person or a night owl, or who’s often a little slower to react than whom, people’s energy levels can be significantly different on a trip. Jet lag, environmental factors, excitement, and stress can make someone hyperactive, or slow them down to sloth mode. You weren’t having fun on your trip if you could barely get your partner out of bed when you were ready to go for hours (or vice versa). Don’t resort to saying, you were slowing me down the whole damn trip or you were running around like a crazy person for half our vacation. Instead, see what you could have done to better match energy levels. Could you have gone out on your own tour in the morning, or hit the exercise room or your blog while your partner was trying to wake up? Again, try not to blame each other. We’re all victims of our circadian rhythms and our hormones.

Major differences in personal space needs. Did you feel overwhelmed and claustrophobic after eight hours of crowds in the Forbidden City, while your partner thrived on all the activity and had a hard time leaving? You probably didn’t get along very well in your hotel room that night. You may be used to spending one or two hours a day with your friend/significant other/relative — not ten or twelve. No one says you have to arrive or leave places at the same time. Even if it will cost you an extra taxi ride, talk about how the two of you could have planned a little differently so that you were both happy — and not sick of each other (or your trip).

After discussing these things with your travel companion, the two of you might decide not to travel together again — and if so, at least you’ll have made the decision with understanding, not anger, and you won’t leave a stain on the places you visited together. And chances are, the next time you go abroad, your companion will not only still be talking to you; they’ll be glued to your travel blog the whole time. Who knows, in a few years the two of you could travel together again — this time as part of a larger group.

Did you have a wonderful time with your travel partner? Or did you often think about leaving them far, far behind — especially towards the end of your trip?

You should talk together about the challenges — or your relationship might end along with the vacation.

Here’s a quick quiz. What is a snowbird?

a) a relative of the blue robin that only breeds in cold weather

b) a female hockey player

c) a fan of Edward Snowden

d) someone from a cold or overcast climate who travels (or rather, flees) to a warm climate when winter starts to hack its ugly phlegm

Yep, if you guessed d), then you’re not so affected by Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) to no longer be thinking straight. The fact is, a lot of people start to feel depressed this time of year, and they can’t explain why. They blame it on summer vacation being long gone; on dreading the holidays for whatever reason (having to see relatives they don’t like, or being reminded of a deceased, beloved family member) or on whatever is most obviously dysfunctional in their lives (crummy job, marital problems, weight issues, etc.). All those excuses… when really it’s about the weather. Our environment. Yes, our surroundings have a huge impact on us, no matter how used to them we are. If your scenery looks as bleak and lifeless as death on a popsicle, then you’re just not going to feel as good as you normally would.

SAD is the butt of many jokes, and it is also underdiagnosed — particularly (surprise!) in warmer climates. Why? Because even people in places like California and The South can be stricken at this time of year by the short days and relative lack of light. In other words, it doesn’t have to be 30 degrees out for you to have difficulty waking up in the morning, difficulty completing tasks, a sense of hopelessness, and lack of energy. And if you didn’t blow all your vacation time and money this summer, it can be very, very tempting to make like a snowbird and FLY as soon as possible to the nearest palm-tree studded destination closest to the equator. Should you feel bad or guilty over this? No way. Thousands of people are booking trips right now to the Caribbean, South America, South and Southeast Asia, and even Africa — and when it comes right down to it, they’ll admit: the weather made me do it.

So what if you can’t afford to get away as November and December loom depressingly near? Well, there are some practical changes you can make to your life to start feeling better.

Change rooms in your home. Step back for a moment and ask yourself if you’re relaxing or working in the darkest room in your house or apartment. Can you move to a place that has more southern exposure? I know someone who moves her desk from her bedroom to her dining room every fall to “follow the light.” It’s a lot easier to move some furniture around to improve your well-being than to see a shrink.

Divide your activities into indoor and outdoor. If you live somewhere that averages about three hours of sunlight this time of year, be prepared to seize those hours to do what you want to do outside. Pay your bills when it’s gray as sludge out — and be ready to pull your yoga mat onto the back deck when you see that glimmer of hope in the sky.

Go out at night. It will hardly matter if it looks depressing outside or not. The bright lights of your city (or even your small neighborhood) can be incredibly uplifting.

Use a light-box. Light therapy involves exposing yourself to a special incandescent lamp light-box which simulates the sun. They take up much less room than they used to and average about $50-$75.

I live in California where these light-boxes can be very difficult to find in stores. Thank goodness for Amazon — now I have the same buyer’s opportunity as all of you out there from Minnesota, Ontario, and the UK.

Stay as warm as possible since being cold or chilled will aggravate your intolerance for bad weather. Then get back to work — there’s still time to save up enough to go to Bermuda in February.